Reflections

So this weekend I went to the Cake/Smashing Pumpkins concert. The dude in front of us was TOTALLY token and the smell + the music took me back. I am not proud to say I used pot on a regular basis and one of my fav bands was Smashing Pumpkins. I began reminiscing about the old days and the "fun" we used to have. As I was driving home after the concert I began thinking about how different my life has become. When I attended my 10 year reunion and told people what I did, most people were shocked because it was assumed I would be on the other side of the law. I was a mean girl and partier. My friends and I did some VERY stupid things to get alcohol and drugs and found ourselves in some scary situations. So if I think what we did was stupid, why would I reminisce about the good ol days? Sometimes I wonder if I just aged out of using and being stupid or if I was just given more of an opportunity to change? Its weird when I think about the person I could have become had I stayed on that track. I look at some of my clients and think, why dont you want to change, I did. Some days I think, I want to go back to that life, care free and fun. Alas, I know that it would never be an option because I have so much to lose. I guess I should just sit back, smell the smells and remember how it used to be.

Shut up and wait

As I look forward to watching my friend Carrie walk down the isle I reflect on how far I have come as a "girl". Growing up I was never one of those girls that dreamed of the big white wedding with a big white ball gown. I was girly but at the same time I liked riding horses and playing softball. I always thought in the back of my mind that someday I would meet someone but was unsure if I would marry. Then in my twenties I decided, I am not the mom type and I REALLY should not have children. As I have grown older the biological clock has begun ticking. I remember sitting in my friends office and looking her dead in the face and saying "I want a baby". She actually began laughing and then realized I was serious! However, as time has continued and I see no clear picture as to what my future holds, I am not sure if I will be a mom. I worked with a woman who took charge of her own destiny and fertilized herself. Still I am not sure that is what I want to do. Another thing is I have always been so proud of my independence and felt that I would never depend on a man to get by in life. I watched my sisters and friends go from guy to guy and in my head I thought, "I am so glad I dont have to be  like that!" As I have entered my thirties I have begun to think, I want that. I want that companionship and love from someone else. Several years ago my stepmother made a prediction. She said, I predict you will fall in love and marry within the year. Well little did she know that it never would happen. My question is will this ever happen for me? Carrie waited 36 years and stayed persistent in her love for God and asked him faithfully to bring her a Christian man that loved God the way she did. And he did. So why cant I get through my thick skull that all I need to do is ask and I shall receive. IF IT IS GOD'S WILL!!!! That is the part I am having trouble with, if it is God's will. I want companionship, I want love, I want someone to come home to and what if that is not God's plan. Then what will I do. People have told me my whole life, stop looking and it will happen, give it time it will happen. Well I have not stopped looking, I still dont know how to not look. I guess the long and short of it is this, if its God's will, he will bring that love and companionship into my life and bless me with children. Until then, shut up and wait.

Goodbye old friend

Oh dear friend,
You have found your way back into my head. Some how you have the power to make me give up everything that means something to me. You manage to make me feel sad and worthless and often times crazy. I tried to explain our toxic relationship to others but they cant understand the love/hate relationship we share. At times you are so comforting because he have been with me for so long and other times I just want you to stay away forever. This is one of those times. I am angry that I allowed you to keep me down for so long and I wont allow you to control me for much longer. I know the cure and plan on putting it in effect immediately. You will no longer dictate my moods, relationships and daily activities.

Goodbye old friend....

Thoughts on my first class and first week of practicum

So this week marks my first full week of practicum and class. It was interesting sitting through staffing and trying to remain in the role of the social worker but I found myself reverting back to being a PO. It should be interesting to see if I am able to actually do it. I think class is going to be rough! There is so much to do plus read and the assignments given to me by the practicum site and work 40 hours. So much for a social life!!! So I entitled my blog "bullet with butterfly wings" because I see myself as a hardshell with beautiful features once you get to know me. I am interested in what others think about my title and my thoughts behind it. Please feel free to comment, I would appreciate it!